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The Mirror and The Memory (and an awesome cause)

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When you think about yourself, what age do you think you are? How do you picture yourself looking? I always think of myself as 23 and still a size 4. Except now I am 3o and a size 10. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think “Who the hell is that?! Why is her face so chubby? Do I know her?”

Basically, the mirror and the memory don’t match up. I have gained about 25 pounds in the last 18 months and can’t seem to get any of it off. A few pounds will drop here and there, but no matter what I eat or how hard I work out, it stays. It’s been an extremely difficult adjustment for me as a person both emotionally and financially- I had to buy all new clothes! Our bodies don’t totally mature until we’ve had a baby, especially our breasts, and so many changes we don’t expect happen. Other than quite a few stretch marks, my body didn’t change much until Sawyer weaned at 38 months. When that happened, I gained a bunch of weight, my hips and thighs got bigger, and my face got rounder. It was really, really difficult to deal with, and still is. I’m getting to know this new body of mine. I often don’t recognize myself if I catch my reflection in passing.

So, several months ago, a few friends of mine mentioned that they were going to participate in the 4th Trimester Bodies Project. If you aren’t familiar, this project is the brain baby of the awesome Ashlee Wells Jackson. It documents how women actually look after they’ve had a child. You know, not like celebrities who hire trainers, chefs, and nannies to get back into a bikini 6 weeks after baby is born. Ashlee’s own story is beautiful and gut-wrenching. She has an 8 year old son who was born very premature, and then got pregnant with twin girls several years later. It was found that the twins were suffering from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome and one of the girls (Aurora) had passed away in utero, and the other (Nova) had the odds stacked against her, not just with being born at only 25 weeks, but with profound hydrocephalus and grade 3/4 bilateral IVH. This little firecracker spent 100 days in the NICU and has had several surgeries.  Now, Ashlee shares other women’s stories (along with their beautiful bodies!), because we all have a story to tell. No one’s story of motherhood is boring or “typical.”

Anyway, I was really excited for these friends to participate and even more excited to see the photos. They kept telling me, “You HAVE to do it!” At first, I said “No fucking way am I doing that.” Then, I saw their pictures. They were breathtaking. I started following every update on the project both on Facebook and Instagram and quickly became obsessed! (Side note: I also readily admit that I totally stalk Ashlee’s personal instagram because I love seeing how well Nova is doing. This gal is aptly named, that’s for sure. She is a tremendous ball of light. Sawyer still can’t stop talking about her.) I contacted Ashlee in late summer about participating in the project. She gets so many emails a day, I knew it would be a little while to hear back. My shoot was set- Valentine’s Day 2014.

I thought I would for sure be pregnant by then, but I’m not. I also thought I’d be back to being skinny, but I’m not. I also got my period a few days before the shoot. Basically, all odds stacked against me. Oh, and the check engine light came on in the car the day before. I was convinced this was all a terrible omen. Aside from having to pull over and find a gas station for Sawyer to pee at on the way, the day was pretty uneventful. Sawyer was so excited to wear his “fancy” underwear, that he basically started stripping the second we walked into the studio. We got there a bit early, so Ashlee and Laura were still setting up. I got Sawyer to stay clothed, and waited with excitement and nerves building. Next, I got my hair done and some light makeup applied. This actually made me the most nervous. I don’t like other people doing my hair and makeup at all. Plus, I knew this wasn’t going to be my normal pin-up look. Laura did an amazing job, though, and I think I might start using the look she gave me on days when I don’t want to do a full on Dita von Teese face. True story- Laura also works at the venue that I perform burlesque at! Small world!

Ashlee was so sweet and very upfront about the whole process. First, I would get ready, then we would do a short video interview and a headshot. Then, the actual shoot would happen. After that, we would look through the pictures together and pick what we thought was the best one. The interview wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined, as Ashlee is very easy to talk to. I had to state my name, age, and where I am from. That took me aback a bit, as I had realized I had never said out loud, “My name is Kelli and I am 30 years old” before! I talked about Sawyer’s birth, motherhood, and why I was there. Then, I got down to my skivvies and Sawyer and I started taking pictures. I thought for sure I would cry during the interview, but I didn’t. I cried as soon as Ashlee started taking pictures of us. Not because I was sad or nervous, but because I don’t have many pictures of just Sawyer and I. I pulled it together pretty quickly. Sawyer was being a total goofball. He kept trying to negotiate with Ashlee about making silly faces and standing on things. I should have prepped her for dealing with a pint sized lawyer. Sorry, Ashlee! The shoot itself was over very quickly. Then, SJ and I got dressed again, while Ashlee transferred the pictures to the computer. When they were ready, she called us in, and we looked through them together. Ashlee was so sweet and patient with Sawyer during the entire process. He was so full of energy and excitement he was bouncing off the walls a bit. He also had a ton of questions for her as he is very interested in photography himself. She never acted annoyed or like he was being a bother.

There were 3 that she and I really liked, and we could only narrow it down to a top 2. So I have the official shot on the site, and a bonus shot as well. I can’t explain how much I love these pictures. There is

My "officlal" shot

My “official” shot

absolutely no editing done to them (other than changing them from color to black and white). You can clearly see my chub and my stretch marks. You can also clearly see HAPPINESS. The most amazing thing that has happened since I got my photos is this- when I look at these, I don’t see a young girl in her early 20s. I see a GROWN ASS LADY. There is no mistaking, when you look at these, that’s a woman in those pictures. A mother. A lady who pays her bills on time and throws dinner parties with wine and table clothes and matching dishes. A real grown up.

The mirror (or the photo in this case) definitely doesn’t match the image I have of myself in my head, but for the first time, the reality of my appearance is better than the image in my head- not because I think I look amazing and have some sort of inflated ego- I definitely don’t. When I look at these pictures, I see a mother who loves her child. A woman with stretch marks to show the power of her body. A woman who has been through things. A woman who has so much behind her and so very much ahead- and that’s the best gift Ashlee could have ever given me. To be able to see ME and to not only be okay with that, but to kinda actually love it.

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The link to my photo is here. If you want to participate in the 4th Trimester Bodies Project, that information can be found here. (FYI- no one asked me to write this post or to promote this project. I just love it and had an amazing experience. I paid for my shoot myself, and would gladly pay again. All opinions are 110% my own.)

The post The Mirror and The Memory (and an awesome cause) appeared first on The Hipster Homemaker.


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